Collier, Stonehouse and Brown
We see a dark
stage, with three figures — COLLIER, STONEHOUSE and BROWN —
positioned rakishly on three CHAIRS. All three are frozen in place:
standing, leg positioned on chair, leaning arm on thigh.
A SPOTLIGHT hits Collier.
COLLIER
(amiable, trustworthy)
Collier, Stonehouse and Brown was founded
in 1949 on the principles of trust and
understanding. Fifty years later, those
principles are as true today as they were
then.
The spotlight DIES on Collier. A second SPOTLIGHT hits Stonehouse.
STONEHOUSE
(distinguished, no-nonsense)
Collier, Stonehouse and Brown is still a
first-generation firm. We built it
ourselves from the ground up, on a
foundation of trust. Our clients have
responded, and grown with us. Our lawyers
know how to coordinate local, national
and international strategies to solve
your problems quickly and without a hassle.
The spotlight DIES on Stonehouse. A third SPOTLIGHT hits Brown.
BROWN
(calm, measured)
For decades, Collier, Stonehouse and
Brown have been leaders in providing pro
bono services. We feel we have a
responsibility to help the community.
Whether you’re poor, or handicapped, or
even just stupid, we’re here to help.
The spotlight DIES on Brown. SPOTLIGHT on Collier.
COLLIER
At Collier, Stonehouse and Brown, we know
how much your professional and personal
success depends on quality litigation,
with no mistakes. That’s why, if you’re
not completely satisfied with our
service, I will personally sleep with
Stonehouse’s eighteen-year-old daughter.
The spotlight DIES on Collier. SPOTLIGHT on Stonehouse.
Stonehouse is APOPLECTIC with shock and anger, STARING at Collier.
The spotlight DIES on Stonehouse. SPOTLIGHT on Brown.
BROWN
(Oblivious)
At Collier, Stonehouse and Brown, we’re
used to the bright lights and media
pressure that come with a high-profile
case. So we know how to guide events in
the press as well as in the courtroom.
You’re in safe hands with Collier,
Stonehouse and Brown.
The spotlight DIES on Brown. SPOTLIGHT on Collier.
COLLIER
The first time I could tell she wanted it
was at the Christmas party last year. I
was drunk, but not that drunk, if you
know what I mean. She’s a little on the
hefty side, but that doesn’t bother me. I
like a little junk in the trunk. Like a
plump little tomato in the garden.
A beat.
COLLIER (CONT’D)
In Arthur Collier’s sex-garden of love.
The spotlight DIES on Collier. SPOTLIGHT on Stonehouse.
Stonehouse calmly loads a PISTOL.
The spotlight DIES on Stonehouse. SPOTLIGHT on Brown.
BROWN
Every one of our 24 offices in North
America provides full-service litigation
capabilities. We take on federal and
state court cases, in addition to
commercial disputes and sensitive
investigations. No matter what your need,
we will hunt down your enemies like dogs.
That’s a promise.
The spotlight DIES on Brown. SPOTLIGHT on Collier.
Collier CHUCKLES to himself, lost in reverie.
COLLIER
Ha ha ha. Ohhh, I tell you.
Suddenly, he PISTONS his arm out repeatedly.
COLLIER (CONT’D)
PAM! Pa-PAM! Pa-PAM! Pa-PAM!
He chuckles to himself again.
COLLIER (CONT’D)
Ahhhhhh. Like a jackhammer.
Behind him, in Collier’s spotlight, Stonehouse appears. His pistol
is raised.
The spotlight DIES on Collier. A loud GUNSHOT is heard, and Collier
SLUMPS forward with a THUMP.
SPOTLIGHT on Stonehouse’s empty chair. Stonehouse runs from Collier’s
spot over to his own.
STONEHOUSE
Stonehouse and Brown was built on a
foundation of understanding. That
understanding? Keep your filthy hands off
my daughter. That understanding is as
true today as it was when I first
threatened Collier with it, so many years
ago. Put your faith in Stonehouse and
Brown. I should stress also not to put
anything, faith or otherwise, in
Stonehouse’s daughter. This is the
Stonehouse and Brown promise.
Another GUNSHOT is heard. Stonehouse SLUMPS over to ground.
The spotlight DIES on Stonehouse. SPOTLIGHT on Brown, holding a
PISTOL.
BROWN
This is probably a bad time to mention
that I also lust hungrily after
Stonehouse’s eighteen year old daughter.
That, more than anything else, is the
unwavering vision of Brown. Our clients
have the assurance that Brown was founded
on the principle of nailing Stonehouse’s
ripe eighteen year old daughter in the
poolhouse at next year’s Christmas party.
That principle is as true now as it was
three seconds ago, and Brown is damned if
he’ll see that principle put to an end by
some meddling father. Put your trust in
Brown. Your Stonehouse’s daughter is in
safe hands.
The spotlight DIES on Brown.