Me Not Talking:
The Silent Killer

Me Stubbing My Toe on That Fucking
Hopechest You Leave Lying Around:
The Cursing Killer

People Avidly Discussing How Brilliant I Am, Vol 1

Funny Things I Made Trusting People Taste

Amusing Secrets of My Ex-Girlfriends

Triumph:
How I Won 2028 Olympic Gold By Cheating

Amazing Sex:
People Magazine’s Three-Time
‘World’s Greatest Lover’ Poll Winner Explains All

The Unforgiving North:
My Voyage to The North Pole
& The People I Left There For Kicks
(Winner of 2012 Pulitzer)

Burden of Dreams:
The Ben Johnson Story I Made Up
& Got Sued By Ben Johnson Over (2nd edition)

Women From Various Countries
Discuss My Legendary Prowess in Bed, Volume 7
(Winner 2030 Nobel Prize for Literature;
Winner 2034 Nobel Prize for Literature
when accidentally re-submitted;
award kept on grounds that book is
still better than anything else released that year)

I Once Swallowed an Entire Hamster
(2027 Pulitzer Winner;
Winner 2028 Booker Prize;
picked as Car & Driver Magazine’s “Best in Show”)

Pictures of Me Working Out:
Mr. Universe Talks Pectorals

The Unforgiving South:
My Travels Through the Louisiana Heartland
(originally appears in 4 installments
in New Yorker as “These Grits Taste Like Shit;”
“These People Should Be Exterminated;”
“And They Actually Vote;”
& “I Hate Hate HATE The South”)

My Life as a Porn Star:
a Five-Time Oscar Winner Shares his Roots

Pictures of Delicious Steaks
That I’ve Eaten Before I’ve Eaten Them
(Winner, 2020 National Book Awards)

My Thumbs & Where I’ve Put Them
(New Paperback Edition: Now Includes 3 New Chapters,
Including: Madonna, a Cat’s Anus, My Ears)

True Tales of the Mutant Zombie Marine Corps!
(Winner of the 2009 Booker Prize For Outstanding Journalism)

More! Kids Say the Craziest Zaniest Things

A Three Musketeers Bar Before Dying