Be Jay Pinkerton’s Friend For Only $19.99!

January 12th, 2004 Posted in 2004

Basic “Casual Friendship” Entry Level Package: $19.99 a month.

With this package you get a poster, laminated membership card (10% discounts on any purchase of gift for me), my Monthly Newsletter, and A COOL PEN! Entry Level Friends will also be put on a lawyer joke email forward list.

Note: Friendship is implied only—if I see you in the mall I won’t acknowledge you, and by purchasing the package, you consent to me selling your email address to several spam mail companies.

Now, the “Pinkerton’s Choice” Deluxe Friendship Package will run you around $49.99 a month, but it’s a much sweeter deal. You get everything in the Entry Level, plus I’ll acknowledge your existence up to five times a year, either through a collect call or a casual nod. Plus, Deluxe Friends are allowed to buy me presents that I select from a catalogue.

The “Platinum Pinkerton” Executive Friendship Package runs around $149.99 a month. You get everything from the first two packages, plus once a month we’ll go out and you can buy me beer, then make sure I get home alright.

Joining Pinkerton’s International “Pussy-Plus” Harem is for females only and free—but I do require at least three 8 x 10 nude glossies and the applicant’s assurance that they don’t mind getting into a Batgirl outfit occasionally, pretending I’m the Riddler, that I just robbed Gotham Bank, and that I need to be punished with dirty fucking. Also, if the applicant is married, I will require a letter of reference from her husband. Fill out an application form here.

Apply today! Positions are going fast!