Everybody loves the Bible. It's shit-full of good advice you can apply to everyday life, from "turn the other cheek" to "God hates fags." What many people don't know, however, is that the Bible isn't just the basis for highly collectible Jesus plates—it's also an enormous goddamn thousands-years-old book.

A lot of it's still applicable today. If you're looking for sage advice as to the spiritual direction of your life, Jesus apparently knows the score. I've never spoken to the man personally — but he's gotten enough thumbs-up reviews from friends that, fictional or no, he's probably at least as smart as Oprah. A guy could pay attention to Jesus and do well for himself. Worst case scenario: you don't get to fuck your neighbor's wife, and everyone gets to slap the shit out of your face.

But keep in mind, the Bible's as thick as a phone book. For every chapter about Jesus wind-sprinting across a lake to tell you how much he loves kittens, there's another with God making a smoking peasant fireball because they sacrificed a goat to Him with the wrong knife.

Once you wade past the shallow end of the New Testament into the back half of the Old Testament, get ready: it turns out God's a fucking lunatic, and He loves the taste of your blood. Old Testament God ain't letting Himself get nailed to any crosses like some pussy; OT God wouldn't spit on your balls if they were on fire. If He covers your eyes with boils to win a bet with Satan, consider yourself lucky He didn't turn your city into a mushroom cloud for not praying to Him enough. Even a cursory reading of the Old Testament leaves only one conclusion: God is a total hardass, and if you step out of line He will most likely drop you in the time it takes most people to open a door.

It can't be too many more years before Christians get themselves a decent copy editor and start publishing the Bible with a quick paragraph about the Garden of Eden and Noah before seguing right to Jesus, thus bypassing a thousand pages of dense insanity completely. Until then, enjoy this candid look at the Bible's backlog.


The Book of Hosea
The Book of Joel
The Book of Amos
The Book of Obadiah
The Book of Jonah
The Book of Micah

The Book of Nahum
The Book of Habakkuk
The Book of Zephaniah
The Book of Haggai
The Book of Zechariah
The Book of Malachi