South Korea Makes Sex-Bots a Terrifying, Sexy Reality

September 8th, 2006 Posted in Blog Posts

A National Geographic story titled “A Robot in Every Home by 2020“ reports that the industrious South Koreans have been busy designing enormous and terrifying robo-butlers for personal use. According to the article, “they could be used for entertainment, education, home security, and household chores.” Looking at the size of this thing, I can definitely see the home security aspect. I’m not as confident about the entertainment factor, though. Maybe it dances.

But of course, this is South Korea, meaning that anyone reading this story is of course wondering precisely how long it will take before South Korean scientists realize they can use the technology for white-hot perverted robot sex. And, of course, they already have. Here’s the disturbingly life-like female version. Note the pensive, hand-on-chin look on the face of the scientist in the background. I like to think he’s engaged in a heated internal debate over what to sex first:

“Do robots dream of electric sheep? And if so, would the dream be distracting enough that I could sniff its panties while it’s doing so?”

I imagine even the most hopeful robot sex enthusiast would have to admit: the technology isn’t quite there yet. That’s one creepy-looking dead-eyed robot. Luckily, however, given the Never Spoken Aloud, But Come On, You Know Why They Built This purpose for a robot that looks like a pretty woman, it’s doubtful the Uncanny Valley’s going to come up much as a problem when you’re exclusively looking at the back of a robot’s head. No word yet on which holes will be made available on the android, but one thing remains clear for any enterprising young virgin with money to spare: as enticing as an android sex slave sounds on paper, that is one risky fucking handjob.

Forget the dangers inherent to having damp sex with the equivalent of a toaster; if you’re letting something with mechanical robot piston arms touch your penis, you’re more adventurous than Indiana Jones. I’ll occasionally set my clock radio wrong, and the worst thing that happens is that the Eurythmics wake me up a half-hour earlier than I’d intended. The day I decide to start fucking my clock radio is the day I show up at an ER with a sparks-spraying, Eurythmics-playing robot wrapped around my dick, a can opener in one hand and an incredibly surprised look on my face.

Still: I hope you’re paying attention, nuclear arms-building North Korea, to your enterprising neighbors to the south. If you’re looking to take over the world, forget about uranium and start building sexbots. With any luck, North America will have gratified itself to extinction within a generation.