If my recent spam email is any indication, I seem to be moving up in the world. Last year around this time I was getting spam enthusiastic about making me, the curious e-consumer, aware of all-nude college girls, their all-nude college orifices, and the countless streaming webcams with which their all-nude dormitories were presumably decorated. (I suspect the inundation of spam of this nature had something to do with my longstanding hobby — finding, then masturbating to, free internet pornography — and the many cookies I must leave for shady webmasters while doing so.) Porn spam I could take, however. It mostly filtered directly into my Junk Mail folder, so no harm done; and in any event it implied a healthy love of naked ladies kissing each other all over the place, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
Around January of this year, though, and without warning, the all-nude college girl spam trickled off, replaced with urgent letters from Real Live Doctors whose mission in life was to make me aware of cheap Cialis (used to treat male erectile dysfunction). Spammers the world over had evidently met somewhere and decided as a group that my virility was questionable. “Don’t waste your time sending this one your sexy webcam offers,” I imagined a greasy, cleft-lipped albino saying.* “Trust me when I tell you that James Pinkerton wouldn’t know what to do them. The surest way to his credit card, gentlemen, lies in impotency pills.”
Naturally I was insulted. Jay Pinkerton is all man, ladies and gentlemen of the Internet. So I was flattered this month when I noticed that all the cialis spam had abated. Now I was getting pestered with emails for High Yield Investment Programs (or HYIPs for those of you in the know). How does a HYIP work? Essentially, you give someone your money for them to invest, and they take it. This next step’s the essential one: then you lose your money.
Anyway, things are looking up. I’m apparently out of the Limp-Dick list and have been launched headfirst into the high-stakes world of investment fraud. “Jay Pinkerton is a man of substantial means,” cleft-lipped albino spammers agree, “whose interest in big returns is substantial and ravenous.” Not true, of course — I’m barely above the poverty line, and shop for clothes at discount stores — but I’m flattered all the same.
* This is pretty much how I imagine spammers to look.