Pink Candy For Your Tum-Tum

December 22nd, 2005 Posted in Blog Posts

The first time I saw a Baby GAP in a mall, I remember thinking it ridiculous that there were actually parents concerned that the ten-pound skinpile cream-shitting itself in their cradle wasn’t wearing trendy enough pants.

Years later, of course, I can spot the Achilles’ Heel of my criticism, which is that The GAP is in any way trendy. What I probably should have realized at the time was that the Baby GAP didn’t signify a sharper focus on the part of our nation’s parents as to how cutting edge their baby’s fashions were, but rather the final transitional phase of The GAP from upper-end clothing store to cheap, mass-produced crap warehouse.

So I’m hoping I’ve made a similar miscalculation with Children’s Pepto, a commercial for which I saw tonight, complete with dancing, twirling (and presumably acid reflux-free) toddlers:

I’m optimistic, in other words, that Children’s Pepto isn’t a terrifying indicator both that parents are feeding their children so badly that five-year-olds are getting heartburn, and that their solution to the problem is to give them kids-brand antacid tablets. Rather, I’m optimistic it just means that Pepto-Bismol is such an ineffective product that they’ve decided it might as well be marketed as pink candy.