Law & Order detective loses case of a lifetime
Actor Jerry Orbach, best known as streetwise detective Briscoe on Law & Order, died last week following a high-octane gunfight in Toulouse, France, the aftermath of which led to his contracting prostate cancer from a dirty gun handle. He was 69.
Orbach was famous for his trademark Law & Order catchphrases “This smells like a case for Briscoe!” “That ham was delicious!” and “Book those sons of fucking bitches.”
As Detective Briscoe, Orbach was famous for his sleuthing, and for clues. Identified closely with New York City (where Law & Order was filmed), Orbach was declared a “living landmark” by the New York Landmark Conservancy in 2002. For reasons of accuracy, this award has since been rescinded.
Orbach was mourned this past Friday during a star-studded celebrity wake, where his prostate was remembered as the “quintessential New Yorker prostate” and “the heart and soul of Broadway.”
“Jerry Orbach’s prostate was the best damn gland in Jerry’s reproductive system,” said a choked-up Sam Waterston, who co-starred with Orbach. “His prostate produced fluid for Jerry’s semen, which helped to transport Jerry’s sperm following his orgasms. How many of you can say you did that for Jerry?” Few in attendance could.
“Jerry’s prostate was nearly the same size and shape as a chestnut,” said Olympia Dukakis in a moving speech. “It wasn’t just located in front of Jerry Orbach’s rectum, just below his bladder, and wrapped around Jerry’s urethra. It was located here. In our hearts.” She then pointed to her heart.
“Jerry Orbach’s prostate was made up of approximately 30% muscular tissue,” said Benjamin Bratt. “The rest was glandular tissue.” Few had known this.
Orbach’s prostate won an Emmy in 1996 for Best Semen Production in Preparation for Orgasm. It is survived by Jerry Orbach’s urethra, a tube that carries urine from Jerry Orbach’s bladder out through the tip of Jerry Orbach’s penis. In lieu of flowers, Orbach’s estate requests that mourners carry “as much urine as they can” from Jerry Orbach’s bladder out through the tip of Jerry Orbach’s penis.