Live coverage of the Republican National Convention…

August 30th, 2004 Posted in Blog Posts, Quickies, Short Stuff

Jay Pinkerton here, in New York and corresponding via a live satellite feed connected directly through my blog.

Given the poor quality of the satellite (several duct taped oil drums and a coat hanger I successfully launched into space earlier this year), I have so far been unable to get a live hook-up.

As a substitute, I am uploading photos, live, as I take them, live, at the New York convention. I will also be supplying, live, ongoing commentary for this momentous political event:

Above, disabled New York Police Officer Donald Turner kicked off the evening not forty minutes ago, with an empassioned plea for our nation’s youth to vote. Turner was crippled in 1992 through youth apathy.

Turner ended his speech by reading the Pledge of Allegiance, though would not take requests to rap it in a funny voice. Turner did eventually oblige repeated requests to sing the Lynnard Skynnard hit ‘Free Bird’ after I convinced him it would help interest teens in voting.

A visibly moved Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie later told me he often raps the Pledge of Allegiance to himself for “the calming effect” it has on him.

The Gatlin Brothers sang the national anthem just twenty minutes ago, the universal language of a baseball game about to start. Many in attendance were moved to tears when I told them it was about America, and that America was attacked by terrorists several years ago. From right to left: Tim ‘Big Red’ Gatlin, Jimmy ‘Big Gunner’ Gatlin, Jerry ‘Big Mistake’ Gatlin. Not shown: the power of song. Of note: Jimmy ‘Big Gunner’ Gatlin got high with me in the kitchen after, and was totally cool.

Soon after the national anthem was played, a large movie screen was ceremoniously lowered from the stage, where disabled New York Police Officer Donald Turner’s moving speech from ten minutes before was once again played to restore flagging inspiration levels.

The dosage is tragically miscalculated, and toxic levels of inspiration rocks an unsuspecting crowd. Above: Rose Mason (54) and Gladys Harrison (72) go briefly insane as a result. Harrison was rushed to the hospital after eating her own hand.

The convention finally started not ten minutes ago. Everyone got so excited they all started talking at once (above). I said from the beginning that three podiums was a stupid idea—but no, the shirtless drunk guy can’t be right, can he? Assholes.

Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie finds everyone present guilty of “voting responsibly”. You had to be there, it was hilarious.

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-Jay Pinkerton
Dateline: five minutes ago, New York