Deathmatchin’! (Pt. 2)

April 24th, 2004 Posted in Blog Posts

8:30 PM

At suggestion of someone who plays online all the time, download Steam, the place where all the cool kids go to play online. Enter Deathmatch and bring ass. Wrap ass up in a gorgeous pink bow and present to other players. Have ass shot to cinder and small shrieking chunks.

8:45 PM

New level. Decide to mount ‘giggling, Barbie-playing school-girl’ offense. Am obliterated.

9:05

New level. Remember how to lead enemies with shots. Remember how to strafe while jumping. Have ass handed to me. Get a few kills.

9:15

New level. Remember to stay calm and aim. Remember to cycle for appropriate weapon. Come in fourth place.

9:35

New level. Remember how to cycle through weapons in firefight. Perfect circle strafes. Adjust mouse speed and adjust controls.

9:45

Rack up kills. Second place.

10:15

Suck. It. Down. BITCHES.

Decide I’m ready for some Big League Chew. Enter Counterstrike match. Present ass on sterling silver platter for other gamers, with enormous crosshair stenciled on each buttock. Have them handed to me.